You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
