I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
