the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
