I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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