I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
