When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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