If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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