if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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