so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
