well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
