There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
