So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
