Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
