i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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