Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
