If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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