quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
