I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
