how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
