Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
