meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
