we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
