Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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