Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
