He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
