Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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