the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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