Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
