I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
