you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
