Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
