I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He has the fingertips of a God
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
