she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
