One girl and one boy is just not enough.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
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