Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
