I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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