i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
