OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
