last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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