Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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