why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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