Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
