i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
