Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
only you would photoshop your dick
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
