A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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