I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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