apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
