So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
