: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
