Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
